The Secret Power of Courtesy

The Secret Power of Courtesy

Gerardo Herrero Morales
Instructor in International Negotiation | Entrepreneur | Director of Strategic Training and Consulting

“Be courteous. Write diplomatically. One must observe the rules of courtesy, even in a declaration of war.”
— Otto von Bismarck, Chancellor of the German Empire

Courtesy.
Something that isn’t taught in schools or universities. Perhaps we’ve seen it applied casually by one of our parents, relatives, or friends. But we’ve never used it as a work system, nor considered the implications it could have on our personal or professional lives.

That’s why it’s so hard for us—we don’t keep it in mind. Most of the time, we completely forget it. Only high-level international diplomats receive formal training in this subject.

And yet, courtesy contains the elements that can help us succeed in negotiations and public relations.

Courtesy is the ultimate test of whether we are in control of our emotions—anger, restlessness, annoyance, the desire for revenge. Courtesy is like a straitjacket that holds back all our inner demons and prevents us from saying or doing something we might regret later. That straitjacket stops us from irreparably damaging the dignity of the person we are dealing with.

Courtesy is a discipline, and to master it, we must invest time and effort. Among many examples, we might include: not complaining in public, not pointing out others’ mistakes in front of others, not directly and immediately contradicting the other party’s opinions, not getting angry even if the other party is angry, not making rushed decisions, not dominating the conversation in a meeting, and yes—choosing empathetic words, managing our anxiety, and controlling physical movements that show desperation. Courtesy gives us a moment of pause to rethink things. After all, who says we’re always going to be right, in everything, with everyone?

Courtesy allows us to walk away from a negotiation table or a deal that isn’t beneficial, while leaving the doors open in case the circumstances change and we might return and be welcomed back.

Courtesy is a human and professional competence in Japan. It’s no coincidence that in the country of Samurai warriors, the greatest culture of courtesy in the world was developed. And it’s thanks to this courtesy that Japanese executives are among the strongest negotiators. They can decline something gracefully, even without saying a single word.

We must not confuse courtesy with weakness. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. Courtesy is the greatest strength we can possess. When facing adversity or negative external stimuli, it prevents us from overreacting and allows us to show the inner strength and composure we are made of—when the situation demands it.

All Rights Reserved 2017,  Gerardo Herrero Morales